The Baby Juggler

Stress

I have a difficult time dealing with stress.  I am still finding it difficult to adjust to this new place, especially the people.  I moved from an historically conservative area to what is thought to be a liberal part of the country.  I am finding homophobia here, possibly more so than the place from where we moved (this "hiding" where I live makes for very messy sentences).  I am feeling despondent about finding several people in my new work situation to be homophobic.  Luckily I don't work FOR any of the people I work WITH, but it still makes an uncomfortable work situation. 

I don't mean to continually contrast my new home with my old home.  I don't even mean to complain about it, but I must admit I am terribly homesick.  I miss my old job, the mostly wonderful people with whom I worked (I don NOT miss the hour commute to drive 17 miles), and I miss my friends, even though those dwindled to a few after the babies were born.  I miss knowing the best restaurants to go to (hell, I miss ALL of the wonderful "casual enough to bring your two year old twins but still fine dining" restaurants that don't seem to exist here).  I miss that I would already be warm on most days and the world would be beginning to bloom already and the sun would most probably be shining on me. 

I have to admit that I am sad, I miss what feels like home to me.

There are so many more great things about here, like the fact that there are sidewalks on almost every street and people aren't TRYING to hit you and your stroller with their car while they are driving 60 miles an hour on a residential street.  It's nice to live in a Blue State for once, not be a Blue Dot in a Red State.  And there are SOME shrubs trying to bloom and scent the air.  It's nice to pay for full-time day care and it STILL costs less than  childcare for three days a week (although it is NOT APA and APA YOU WERE WORTH EVERY PENNY, DAMMIT). 

This new job is not my ideal and I'm not sure it's what I want to do, but at the same time I don't want to feel so stressed by the effort I give-up and fail.

Oi.  I may remove this post (or not) if I re-read it and it sounds too whiny (whiney???).

And why don't I ever write a nice treastise on something intellectual and thought provoking like other bloggers.  Something like, "The Existential Life: Translating the Sociophilosophical Homogenized Aspect of the of the Mother Mothering a Nursing Toddler While with Mother Rage."  I am SO apathetic and pathetic.  Yawn.

Make New Friends

I am having a very difficult time bonding with the other mothers (or even non-mothers) in my neighborhood.  I know that part of it is my fault.  I have some level of social anxiety that either makes me act like a turtle with my head in its shell, or act like an ass, spewing advice or defensive comments about my kids.  I apologize to the woman who made a probably very innocent comment about Mini being able to walk (when Mini was about 13 months old), and my response of, "well, she's been walking since she was 11 months!"  I am such a jerk sometimes.

Someone once told me there are different kinds of drivers.  One of the driving types is the "teacher driver."  This is totally me.  I have an innate belief that if someone starts to come into my lane without checking their blind spot, all it will take to correct any future accident potential in the idiot driver is for me to honk and wag my finger vigorously toward my side view mirror, while overtly demonstrating the motions of checking one's blind spot.  Lesson learned.

Speaking of jerk, I have been much better behaved in public, trying to smile at store clerks, trying to let the "small stuff" roll off my back.  I EVEN addressed a store clerk by name the other day.  With a smile and without a cuss word.

A woman in my neighborhood who has a two-year-old recently had fraternal girl twins.  Prior to their birth I gave her my twin nursing boppy, a co-sleeper, and some books.  I have also volunteered to watch her son and help her any way I can.  J and I made 2 homemade pizzas and chicken casserole for her family to eat (I did try to tell her the best thing she could do before the babies were born would be a trip to "Dream Dinners" or "Super Supper").  I told her I could come over and wash dishes, then leave as soon as I'm done.  I could hold a baby while she nurses one.  I can even just keep her company during her time of "multiple hibernation."  She let me watch her 2 year-old one day for a couple of hours and that. was. it.  I have gotten no verbal thanks (I certainly don't expect her to send out "thank-you" notes, but, jeesh, at least act like you appreciate my help).  I have called and left messages to help in any other way I can.  I have not heard from her.  What is wrong with me that she doesn't want me to help her?  I just heard from a neighbor that she was having a breakdown last week, having a difficult time coping with everything.  She's worried about getting her babies on a schedule.  Hmmm...  I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me that she doesn't trust me to help her either with her 2 year-old or in general.  This gets carried over into my general concerns about my social/people skills, which makes me wonder what I am doing wrong with the whole wide world.

Why won't anyone in my neighborhood start a playgroup with me?  Aggghhh...  I just want my babes to be able to socialize with other kids their age, the moms don't have to talk to me if they don't want to.

Sorry about the whiny (how in the heck is that word spelled, anyway?) post, but I've had this on my chest a while.  I needed to share it with the Internet.

Edited to add:  This is not to discount some very worthy new friends, whom I think are fabulous.  We went to an outdoor concert together tonight and had a great time while it lasted, and I think I walked too fast for moms carrying a 3 month-old.  Sorry.  Liza and J are EASY people to know, wonderfully nice, self-confident, and supportive women.  And N is pretty sweet too.

Neurotic or Not

Ok, this is a game I thought of, please, let your voice be heard!  Am I neurotic or not!?

1) Worrying about babies not willing to eat any foods that require chewing.

2) During a night of freezing rain, consider moving peacefully sleeping babies to g-d knows where, as I lie there fretting over the old pine trees that we should really have cut down.  Try to decide if the attic is high enough to take the brunt of the damage, therefore leaving babies safe from harm should a tree fall. 

3) Read an article in a magazine about food allergies, then worry for hours, imagining one or both babies with a deadly food allergy.  Fret and dread, thinking this is something that would happen cause of my dumb luck.

4) Begin to feel resentful and (shamefully) angry that Mini still wakes two or three times a night to nurse, and won't let Nag-ee soothe her back to sleep.  MUST HAVE BOOBS.

5) Begin to feel creeped out when I am the only human at the playground.  Begin to imagine crazy, homicidal maniac man stalking the park in wait for a woman pushing her two babies on the swing.  Note: the playgrounds in my area are truly isolated, no houses nearby.  Also note:  I read WAY too many mystery novels.

That's all for now, but no fear, there will be more installments of this game as I think of more and more things to worry over as a mom.

If Dooce were I, Her Family Would Starve

I just have to laugh at this, or I'd cry. 

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